Hi my deer Reddit friends, whom I will probably never see, but rely on and cherish so much.
I need to start this post with writing that I am an alcoholic which is 55 days sober. I am here because I need advice as well as I need to vent my emotions and feel less alone. Next AA meeting is u/6PM CEST so I have lots of time to relapse… That’s why I apologize in advance for the chaotic nature of my thinking process and language (English is not my first language).
We broke up because I was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic. We met up in August 2021, started living together almost from the beginning. I met her on Tinder, wich I set up to find (I’ll be honest), casual sex – preferably with younger and not serious girls since I didn’t want to get emotionally involved. I was still not over my past relationship. I still drank, though I didn’t see it as a problem no more (I was pas some therapies though), because I was depressed less and managed to have seldom successes in my career.
And I met Ania. We chatted for hours. She is intelligent, hard working (a psychiatry doctor, that finished her MD exams Better than 90% of her peers), I mad her fall for me. Was witty, had long chats about everything and anything, knew some medical stuff wich impressed her, and mostly I caring. She needed that since a month earlier her ex boss [40s M] that she had an affair, told her she meant everything, wanted to show her his kids and one day he ghosted her, went on a vacation with his other sex toy and when she called from another number, he acted as though he didn’t know her.
It was so fast since I moved in. It was kind of natural. But I had to problems. My ex and untreated addiction.
She went all in. I couldn’t. First it was my ex looming in my head. And she wanted me to stop drinking. November I pissed in our bed. January I vomited on our balcony while she was at work. Cried all day. I didn’t want to have sex with her. She cried when I pushed her away. She begged me to go to therapy. I went only to stop her rambling but kept boozing nevertheless. She told me it was her or the drink a couple of times. She said she loves me. I didn’t reply with the same. I even remember having these thoughts that if I drink her away that would give me the comfort of not having to break up with her and feel guilty for breaking her heart. It would be her decision and I would keep my hands clean. Still having these thoughts I kept living with her because it was convenient…
The final straw for her was on May 1st. The night before I went to an important birthday party – one of my country’s MP’s was celebrating and I needed to gain her friendship and trust for my own job interests. I and her BF were the last to leave at 2 AM. On the drive home I bought a 4pack of cheap strong beers, that I started drinking immediately after I woke up. My girl was working in the hospital all night and was devastated that I went on a lony bender. We had a serious talk (I pushed her away), and moments later I learned my grandma died… she begged me to stay. I went out and drank… with my family… leaving her devastated and alone… she broke up 2 days later.
At first I was like “ok, I got what I wanted”, but as the days passed and as my lonely drinking worsened, when I payed my best granny in the grave, I felt that I indeed love her. All she wanted was what was the best for me. And she showed that she care, she wanted to do things together, when I wanted to stay in the flat and get fucked up. We were in contact. She said that she still loves me but only when I get my shit sorted out it will work. I drank in the early stages of wanting to get back. My last day of drinking was May 23. I sent her good morning and good evening messages. On May 30 I wanted to suprise her. Showed up next to a place where she practices drumming. Who dropped her off? Her ex that treated her like the worst *** a year earlier. My heart broke into a million pieces. Didn’t drink though. Called a addiction therapist instead. 2 days later she gave me my stuff. “I dont know what will be in a year. I can’t say I love you, I can’t say I don’t. If you love me, take care of yourself”.
I broke no contact on June 17. Had a meltdown. Wept and wrote I love her meet me up, yada yada yada. Se replied that she wants me to be happy but she can’t right now, maby someday but not now…
Ok. I try to live. Changed meds. Went to AA everyday plus 2 hrs of therapy PW. One day she watches my stories. Then reacts with laughs or hearts. I’m like.. having hope, no? She knows what I feel towards Her. She knows that these gestures will trigger thoughts and expectations… So in this state of hopefull love I decide to paint her portrait for her birthday on July 5th. The painting was stunning. I really supriesed myself since I ditched graphic art at high school.
On July 5th I wote her wishes and asked if she could pick up the present in person. Se told me she cried when she red my wishes and she will meet up when she comes back from Rome the next week.
We met up yesterday. 4 hours. She cried when I gave her the painting. She told me I look great and healthy (lost 15 kg with the help of depression and quitting booze and junk food). We talked about what’s up. Then I see this guy is calling. Pretend I don’t see it. She asked me what my plans are for the evening her were studying. Then I asked how was Rome, she told me she was with him. Then it started to get sad. Still she can’t be with me, but loves me and is jealous, and she doesn’t want to let me out of her life, not she don’t want to keep me on a leash, but she don’t know what will be in 2 year, maby we will get back.. we held hands in a coffee shop, she gave me the look when she fell in love with me (If i was with her I would be devastated if she acted like that with someone else), I told her that I think her relationship will end with a disaster, after meeting we spoke about seeing each other soon. Then I thanked for today, wrote I love her, we chatted till midnight sent sweet animals and shit.. today is her shift in the hospital her bf works in… She wished me a good day and I replied it’s good because she is near, that I’m happy I don’t run away from feelings, and sent her a fragment of a poem we read in AA about love. She wrote back that she is happy with my conclusions and she hopes she will learn how to control her emotions better. I wrote back that when that happens I invite her on a walk.
Now it’s silence on the radio. I cried all morning, went out, went back home, lied in bed, smoked a pack of cigarettes…
I love her. I don’t want to lose her. I think she is beautiful. She is the best thing that I lost due to alcohol and I would do anything to make her happy. I don’t know how to set my mind in this situation. She is with another guy that was a monster for her. I feel like everything is deeply wrong in this situation. I really need some advice on how to set my mind on waiting for her and not obsessing so I can live daily… Should I keep interacting? Making her handmade gifts? Proving my love? I love her… that I know.
TLDR I am an alcoholic. My gf broke up. Got sober and in therapy. Want to win her back. She went into a relationship with a fishy guy, says she is sure that she loves me but can’t be with me at the moment. Feel lost, but sober. What to do?